


breathe

by orphan_account



Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hanahaki Disease, Light Angst, M/M, Minor Character Death, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Ouch, Self-Worth Issues, This is so bad I'm sorry, again kinda??, chanhee feels guilty for everything, florist chanhee hehe, kinda??, nyumoon!, um... Those thoughts., unbeta'ed. sexy.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-15
Updated: 2019-11-15
Packaged: 2021-01-31 11:37:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21445609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Chanhee hates flowers to death.
Relationships: Choi Chanhee | New/Moon Hyungseo | Kevin
Comments: 1
Kudos: 55





	breathe

**Author's Note:**

> hey!
> 
> i tried to put some important stuff in the tags so if you don't do well with that stuff please don't read this :( i don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable
> 
> i hope you enjoy some bad written angst!

Chanhee hates flowers.

Chanhee hates those beautiful, colorful, scented plants with a heated passion.

Chanhee hates flowers to death.

Why?  
Those flowers suffocated his friend.  
And it was _his_ fault.

Hanahaki disease. You love someone, they don't love you back. Flowers start blooming in your lungs. The second you blink you're hovering over the toilet, coughing up petals and whole flowers. It's painful.  
To make that pain disappear, the person you love has to love you back, or you have to get them surgically removed (which makes you lose the ability to love). If none of these happen, the flowers grow too big and make you reach out for air, slowly, until you finally give in and succumb to your death.

That disease killed Chanhee's friend, Juyeon.

But why is Chanhee so affected by this?

Well, Juyeon loved Chanhee. Chanhee didn't love him back. Chanhee was the reason Juyeon became sick. Chanhee was the reason the flowers grew too big. Chanhee was the reason Juyeon is not there anymore.

He found out about Juyeon's condition a few days after his death.  
When he heard the words _"he loved you"_ come out of Changmin's mouth, his whole world crumbled down.  
Chanhee and the flowers killed Juyeon.  
So, obviously, he feels extremely guilty and like fucking shit even if two years have passed since.

Being a florist doesn't make his life easier. Every day, Chanhee's surrounded by stupid plants that remind him of everything.  
If he could, he would quit this job. But something keeps him there, makes him stay. He doesn't know what it is : probably the guilt of abandoning something he worked so hard for. He used to love this so much.

Sometimes, he feels like he's sinking deeper and deeper, despite Changmin reassuring him that it was never his fault, that he couldn't know. That doesn't really help, but he appreciates his best friend's efforts at comforting him.

Amongst his few customers, there is one that seems extremely loyal and comes in at least once a week.  
"Hi, Mr. Moon." Chanhee greets the brown haired man as he comes in.

"I told you so many times, just call me Kevin." The said Kevin says. "We're the same age."

"Professionalism." Chanhee mutters. "But if you really insist, I can give up for you."

"Oh _please_." Kevin says, making Chanhee chuckle.

Maybe Kevin was one of the reasons he stayed.

"Hey," Kevin says. "I don't wanna seem weird, or anything, but..." He chuckled, playing with the hem of his shirt. "Can I get your number? T-This is not an attempt at flirting, though! I would lie if I said you weren't cute, but you're also really nice and I'd like to be friends."

Chanhee laughed, giving out his hand to the older. "Give me your phone."

And ever since, Chanhee and Kevin grew closer to each other. Slowly, but steadily.  
Changmin was proud of Chanhee, as well as thankful for Kevin. Even if the two didn't see it, Kevin made Chanhee happier.  
"Maybe I really just needed a new friend." Chanhee said.

But, as their friendship grew, Chanhee grew feelings for the other. _You didn't see that one, right? Please tell me you did._

"I don't know how it happened." Chanhee mutters, admitting his feelings to Changmin.

It's just, something about him. Something's about Kevin. Kevin's eyes, Kevin's nose, Kevin's lips, Kevin's voice, Kevin's cheeks, Kevin's laugh, _Kevin_. Kevin, Kevin, just Kevin. Have you Kevin'ed today? I thought the Kevin was lovely.

At first, he thought it was just a little crush, that he would get over it... but oh, oh how wrong was he...  
In a short matter of time, Chanhee realized he was head over heels for Kevin. All he could think about was Kevin. The first though in the morning? Kevin. The last thought at night? Kevin. The dreams? Kevin. Kevin? Kevin. Hotel? Trivago. **Kevin.**

Chanhee didn't ask for another thing fucking over his everyday life. The guilt was still there, and his mind was just Guilt fighting Love while flowers around him smelled stronger than usual.

He really didn't ask, but another thing came into his life.

He was sitting on Kevin's couch, scrolling through Netflix trying to find a good movie to watch.

"Hey," Kevin came out of the kitchen with some popcorn he placed on the low-table. "Can I ask something?"

"Shoot."

"Does... anything bother you about your job?" Kevin didn't bother to look Chanhee in the eyes. "Changmin thanked me the other day for making it easier for you, so I got worried.. it's okay if you don't want to answer, though, I understa-"

"I hate flowers." Chanhee said, a firm expression on his face.

"You..?" Kevin raised an eyebrow. "But.. why?"

Chanhee sighed. "It's a long story."

"Oh-"

"You ready?" Chanhee sat up to face the older.

"Are you willing to..? I mean, you don't have to if it's tough.."

"I trust you enough to tell you that." Chanhee says. "Only Changmin knows."

"Oh, okay.." Kevin says. "I'm glad you trust me." He said, smiling lightly.

"You know what Hanahaki is, right? Well, almost three years ago, a friend of mine died because of it. And I found out I was the one he loved. Of course everyone would've felt guilty, but having to live surrounded by flowers reminded me of it every day, yet something didn't let me leave, and I just sank deeper, and deeper.." Chanhee sighed. "I used to love flowers. But this feeling of guilt and regret took over and I started to hate them more and more, until I-"  
He suddenly stopped, eyes gone wide, as he started to gasp for air.

"Chanhee? Chanhee, are you okay?" Kevin started panicking. "Chanhee, are you with me? It's okay, please breathe. It's in the past, everything's alright." He tried to reassure Chanhee, but shutting up when the latter started coughing violently. "Do you want me to call the ambulance?" He asked, reaching for his phone in his pocket.

He freezes once he sees petals fall out of Chanhee's mouth.

"Oh god, that was a _huge_ coughing fit." Chanhee huffs, plopping down on the couch, eyes closed. "I'm not even sick, though."

"Chanhee..." Kevin says, mindlessly staring at the floor where the white petals his friend just coughed up laid down.

"What?"

"I... I think you ARE sick."

"What do you mean? Did my story upset you?"

"No... I just," Kevin sighed. "Look at the floor."

"What are you saying?" Chanhee asked, sitting up again. "Did I throw u-" He freezes the second he sees the stupid petals on the floor. He covers his mouth with his hand and lets out a muffled _"Oh my god"_.

"Chanhee, I'm so sorry.."

"No, don't be sorry." Chanhee said. "I deserve it. Honestly, I'd rather die than get them removed."

"But what if they love you back?"

"He." Chanhee corrects. "And there's no way he will, I mean look at me-"

"I'll stop you right there, chief." Kevin shuts Chanhee up. "Before I start telling you that you're worth everyone's love and I start crying because you're stubborn as hell and won't take it, let's finally watch a movie, shall we?"

"Good idea." Chanhee chuckles.

That's when literal Hell started for Chanhee.

At least once a week, he was hovering over the toilet seat or the sink, coughing up petals as well as entire flowers until he felt too tired to stand, or even kneel. Sometimes, he would even fall asleep in the small space, face stained from pain induced tears.

When one day he came home, as soon as he closed the front door, he started coughing up yellow petals that were... stained? He felt too tired to notice, but droplets of blood fell with the petals on the wooden floor. They soon created what seemed to be a messy trail that lead to his bedroom, where he was heading. As he sat on his bed, he grabbed tissues to wipe his stained lips and chin.  
"That'll be a hard one to clean up." He muttered, hiding his face in his palms. Soon after, he let quiet sobs escape his mouth.

He didn't want anyone to know about his suffering.

Especially Kevin.

He shoots up when he hears Kevin's voice from outside his room. "Speaking of the wolf." He mutters.

Right, Kevin knew where the spare key was. So seeing that really suspicious trail when he came in probably made the older extremely worried, as Chanhee could hear _"Chanhee? Are you okay? If you don't answer in thirty seconds I'm coming in."_ from the other side of the door.

"I'm fine." He says, tired. "At least I think I am." He adds with a chuckle when he sees Kevin stand in the doorframe. "What are you doing here?"

Kevin just stands there in silence.

"Hello? Earth to Kevin? Why did you come here?"

He watched as Kevin moved from the doorframe to the closest wall of Chanhee's room and leaned on it, letting himself slide to the floor.

"Kevin?" Chanhee looked at him, confused.

Then he saw it.  
He saw Kevin's eyes. He saw what hid behind them. Sadness, desperation, worry, the need of protection, and... _something else_, unreadable.  
"Chanhee," He said, voice small.

"Please... _please_ don't die."

"...What?"

Kevin's eyes started to get glassy. "Please stay alive. Don't give up. I can't lose you."

"What do you mean, lose me?"

"You really chose the worst moment, huh." Kevin said. "You mean so much to me, Chanhee. I don't know what I would do without you."

"Are you serious?" Chanhee asked, locking an eye contact with Kevin.

"Yes." The older gulped. "What I will say might make things worse though, I'm so scared. I don't want you to die."

"Say it."

"What?"

"I said say it." The expression on Chanhee's face was nearly unreadable, it would be something mixed up between confusion and hope.

"The person that's making you suffer was missing out."

Chanhee's face dropped.

"What?"

"I mean," Kevin said. "In the most straightforward way possible, statistics say that I'm in love with you. And by statistics, I mean Changmin violently shaking me before I came here." He chuckled. "There you go, I said it. This was the first time you coughed blood with the petals, so I knew it was getting worse and I was scared of losing you without telling you."

Chanhee sat in silence, those five words replaying in his head.

He didn't notice the tears streaming down his cheeks. He didn't notice his hands, no, his whole body, shaking. He didn't notice Kevin immediately sitting beside him, asking if he was okay.  
All he noticed was that he could breathe. He could feel fresh air come in his lungs. He could feel each short amount of air come in and out of his lungs with his frantic breathing.

Then, _guilt_.

He could feel guilt.

He didn't deserve this. He didn't deserve Kevin's love.

He didn't deserve to make it out alive.

He deserved to end up like the one he made suffer.

More tears fell as he sobbed into his palms. "I don't deserve this, I don't deserve you. Why do you love me?"

"Chanhee, look at me." Kevin instructed, and Chanhee complied.

"What do you mean by _you don't deserve this_?"

"I love you." Chanhee croaked out. "It made me suffer. I don't deserve your love, I deserved to end miserably with flowers all up my throat. I rea-"

"Stop saying that." Kevin said, wiping the younger's flowing tears away.

"But-"

"No buts. You deserve this. You deserve to be loved." Kevin smiled. "What happened is in the past. You never knew, it wasn't your fault, trust me. I love you for who you are, I love you because you're Chanhee, okay? You can't change the way I feel about you." Kevin pulled Chanhee in an embrace. "So please, breathe. For me."

Chanhee immediately hugged back, fists clutching onto Kevin's shirt as he tried to calm his breathing down. "I love you so much."

"I love you too."

Those words made Chanhee take a sharp inhale. "Fuck, Kevin, I can breathe. I don't feel anything in my lungs. This is really happening." He whispered, pulling away. "Can... can you kiss me?"

"As you wish." Kevin whispered back, gently grabbing Chanhee's face to lock their lips together in a short kiss. "You.." He said, pulling away. "We should probably clean this up." He pointed at the petals all across the hallway.

Chanhee giggled. "You're right. I don't want to see those ever again."

**Author's Note:**

> feedback is appreciated :) i really suck at writing angst (is this even angst ..?) so :))) hehe :))))))))
> 
> twitter: @.ujikev 💞


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